Anxiously, I need to run Dreamed 5463 days ago | | 455 words

I’m feeling anxious again. I need to get out of here. My life is a mishmash of old and new, exciting and deathly boring, and I feel like I’ve lost what made me… me.
I need to run away for awhile, I need to get out of here. I feel like I’m suffocating on myself… I’m alienating people left and right, and why? Because I want to lead my own life as I see fit. Not as someone else sees it or thinks it should be. I lead my own life and I always have. I have never been one of a crowd or gone with the flow, I am always sitting beneath the waters, waiting for you to pass by before I come up for air again. Unseen, unnoticed. I wait for my time and I pick my paths carefully. The furious range of emotions I spew forth in the course of one single day is more than even I can deal with sometimes. I miss the past, I embrace the future, but the present is where I’m living, and I can’t wait to leave it all behind. I’ve never been a fan of the present or anything to do with it. I am always looking forward. Always looking for more. Always needing to reach out my arms to the morning sun after wishing the moon a pleasant day’s sleep. I need more…

I can’t live on what you’re feeding me. I can’t survive on what I’m being thrown by my herders. I can’t breathe in the bubble I’m trying to live inside day and night, night and day, too afraid and fragile to come out. Not strong enough to withstand another attack.

Not wishing to be feasted upon by yours disapproving eyes once more… I need to be free. Only if I could remember what freedom was and what it looked like. I yearn for more. More time to myself to sit enjoy my own company. More time to write and let me pen flow forth with a torrent of word, phrase and prose. More life to live and lead into a new day with new faces and new places.

I need more.

I am coming to the end of this. I feel better. I always do. I need to get out the irrational emotions inside of myself, or they will take me over. They will control me and every aspect of my life from here to the end of my days…

Life is balance. A very careful balance between good and evil, right and wrong, sleep and insomnia… Everything in moderation. Everything in balance.

That is how it shall be and that is how it should remain.

I should practice what I preach…

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