Crippled by a crutch Dreamed 5253 days ago | | 526 words


Instead of feeling, I shelve my feelings and place them far away inaccessible to my waking mind. It’s easier this way I tell myself. It won’t hurt as much are the lies I make myself believe. Discovery Channel, History Channel, Cartoon Network are my drugs of choice. There is always something there to make the pain go away. Just sit down and zone out for a few hours. A few days, a few weeks. Next thing you know, you’re not really who you thought you were. Just a mere shadow of yourself. Just a hazy memory.

I don’t drink. Never have liked alcohol or its effect on people who abuse it.
I don’t smoke because well, it’s just mind-boggling stupid.
I don’t do illegal drugs because suagar and caffeine are enough to fuck me up. I don’t really need the help (or jail time if caught).

Television I realize is my new drug. And it happened without me even realizing it. When I feel bad I turn to TV so I don’t have to think about how bad I feel or how tired I am. It takes my troubles away into its fantastical magic land of good times.

I used to write actively, now I can’t even string together a few decent sentences. I used to love to write and would sit for hours composing prose and poetry, now nothing.

What have I become?

TV is my crutch. I need to vanquish it from my life. I need to get back to being me. I need to be in a different space. I don’t like where I live. I thought I did, I thought I’d love it and I did… for awhile. But now I realize how I miss things like windows, and being able to gaze at the night sky, and feel the cool breeze on my face. I miss the rain hitting the ground and everything around me. I miss the people to watch from up high. I miss the old me. I miss the old everything.

The new model is not the old model and the new model sucks.


TV’s accomplice is caffeine. That magical substance that no longer has any effect on me. I blame college, and an advertising degree (that has so far gotten me nowhere). Jolt! gum, penguin mints and the Mountain Dew Trifecta of sleeplessness has made sure that caffeine will never work again. So no kids, it’s not the caffeine keeping me up.


The Sleep Center of Virginia confirms what I already knew, I have insomnia. I can’t get to sleep. Doesn’t matter what I do, how I do it, or when. I cannot fall asleep. I am up until all hours of the night, laying in bed, reading, hot chocolate (I don’t like tea), warm milk, soft music, comfy pillow, darkness, cold, colder, colder still, nothing works.
I just can’t fall asleep. I once stayed up for 75 straight hours to get an advertising project and presentation done. This was accomplished on relatively little external stimulants. Sleep and I have never been good bedfellows. ;-)

Have any new revolutionary ideas I’ve not heard a million times? Shoot them over to me!

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