Depression Regression Tension Suppression Dreamed 4969 days ago | | 788 words

I feel so cold.
Lied to.
Left out in the rain to rust.
Like a million VCRs.
No longer useful.
No longer needed.

Just sitting there, taking up space.
Rotting away.
Leaving their mark on the world.
In the form of rust and pollution.

I am tired of getting my hopes up that something good, no great will work out for me. Then to turn around and find out that no, I’ve been spit upon and taken for a ride again. All used up and left to die. To rust. To decay.

Like a million before me who believed the liars. Who believed the bullshit. Who believed people they thought they knew and thought they could trust.

Being back home again living on savings and hopes has brought all the depression back. Has brought all the doubt back. All the self-doubt that tells me I’m not good enough or that I did something to bring all of this upon myself.

Just when things were looking up again, here I am, getting rained on again as I sit in the gutter where I got left. What has become my home as of late.

I was supposed to have a real, paying job by now. I was supposed to be working for someone I trusted by now. I gave up everything and moved back home to make this thing work. I’ve done everything I can do just to make this thing have even a chance. All the fancy talk and promises. All the lies and tales. All the stories and reassurances. All of it has turned into nothing. Here I am sitting awake in the middle of the night because I can’t sleep. I can’t leave this chair. I can’t find the motivation or the strength to go upstairs even to collapse into bed.

I know once I do my mind will race with the speed of one thousand horses running spooked from the threat they all know is there.

It won’t bring me peace, or sleep or rest or reassurance.

All it will bring me is stress and uncertainty and depression. More of it. More of all of it.

I thought I had enough to handle now. I thought I could not take anything else on my plate. On my mind. But it seems that life will keep dishing it out as long as I’m still standing to take it. To meet it head on. To try and overcome it.

Here I am. Keep it coming. Keep it all coming. I can take it.

Until I break…

Until I breakdown again. And fall to my knees. Fall to my face. Begging for help and forgiveness and mercy. Begging for all of it. Because I could not before.

I could not ask for help when the ship was going down. I kept the course and kept it steady, hoping to sail out of bad weather and into calmer seas.

Hoping to make it out of here and into something better. Something more.

I went from being totally self-sufficient, with my own apartment. Making my car payments and insurance and rent and food and entertainment and balancing it all while still putting some money away because I was afraid this might happen. Hell, I knew this might happen. I probably ignored it because I wanted it to happen. No, I needed it to happen.

I could taste the success and payment and living an easier life. A life of doing what I am truly passionate about doing.

I want to be a designer with all my hear and soul. I eat, breathe, think, live and eat design.

I worked at a newspaper for 3 years, despite it killing me, I kept at it because I loved it.

I worked thanklessly as the head of a magazine for 2 years because I believed in it and I thought it was a worthy endeavor.

I worked so, so hard… And now what do I have to show for it.

Nothing…

I’m nearly flat broke. I don’t know where next month’s payments are coming from. I don’t know if I’m going to ever be able to find an apartment to live in. Hell, I don’t know if I’ll even be able to stay up here.

What do I do then?

Do I try to find something else up here? So I can continue with the other jobs I am doing?

Do I move back to Richmond and find a cheap place to live and hope that I can find a job. Something to keep me going and get me back on my feet.

Do I move to Virginia Beach and crash on my mother’s couch until I can find a job and work enough to afford my own little corner of the world somewhere down there?

What do I do now?

What are my options?

Do I even have any?

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