Maybe... Dreamed 5144 days ago | | 487 words

Not really much to say.
Only that I’m lonely.

I should just go to bed.
But I can’t.
My mind won’t let me rest.

I am lonely…

I find myself back where I started.
Back in the same house
on the same plot of land
on the same farm

Where it all began.

“It” being my time and life in Berryville.
Here on the farm…

I ran away 130 miles south.
Hoping to find myself.
And make it somewhere.

I did.
Right back where I started.

I’m living here for a short time.
Before I move onto another city.
Maybe it will be better than the last.
Maybe better than the current one.
Or maybe not.

Only time will tell where I end up and how things pan out for me.
I’ve always been one to see where the world takes me.
And where my opportunities lead me.
It was Richmond first.
Now Manassas, via Culpeper.

For how long?
Who knows?

I never know where I’m going to end up.
I never know where this life till take me.

I fancy myself a loner.
I’m terrible at staying connected to people.
I’m terrible at keeping friendships.
I’m so connected I’m out of touch.

I don’t know why people like me so much.
Or why they look up to me, and want me to be their friend.
Maybe I deserve it? Maybe I don’t.
Maybe it’s not for me to know.
It’s something for another life.
Another time. Another me.
To find out and to learn.

I don’t need alcohol to pour my heart out.
I don’t need drugs.
Well, just sugar and caffeine.

I have myself.
And my thoughts.
And sometimes that’s too much for me.
I need to let them out.
I need to pour myself out or my cup overflows.
And runs out onto the table that is my life.

I’m overflowing.
I’m battling this depression.
This feeling that I’m not good enough.
Feeling I don’t deserve this.
I don’t deserve this opportunity.
Why am I here?
Why am I doing the work I’m doing?
Is this the path I’m supposed to be on?

I’m not looking for the meaning of life.
I’m just looking for some meaning in my life.

I’ve lost so many friendships that I should not have let go.
So many opportunities that I gave up out of inaction.
Or pain, when I was having the problem with my sciatic nerve.
Through shyness and my own lack of confidence.

Why didn’t I go to that gathering?
Or spend more time with those whose time I value so much.

I’ve always been a heavily guarded person.
Maybe too guarded for my own good…
I need to let me guard down sometimes.
To let some people into my life.
And embrace them. Let them stay.
And really get to know me.
The real me, the one behind all the walls and layers and fences with the guard dogs and alarm systems and snipers.

Maybe one day I’ll be able to do that….


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