Play Dreamed 4745 days ago | | 308 words

I’ve got Coldplay running through my head.
I’ve been looking back.
Back through the archives at this site.
All the way back to 1999.
I saw something tonight.

I was in a grocery store.
And I saw her eyes.
Her face.

My first girlfriend.
Kris.

The one I dated for 8 months.
The one who left me.
Dumped me.
Cheated on me.
Made me feel like shit because of it.

Then moved away.

Cheated first (not that I knew it at the time), then dumped me, switched schools and moved away. All in the same week.

Now, that is a fucking fantastic week.

I’ve been thinking about my life, where I am now mentally.
I’m not who I used to be.
I’m more drained.
The fire is gone.

I’ve got a trillion ideas.
And nothing to show for them.
Or myself.

Nothing.

Nothing at all.

Except for empty dreams and memories.
Times I should have gone left
and I went right.

Times I should have pushed through until the end.
Stayed the course, then derailed.
Crashed in a blaze of fire.

Into the river.
The lake.
The ocean.

Letting the tidal currents wash me clean.
Move all the pain away from me.
To a better place.

Now here I sit.
Extinguished.

After four years of college I feel like I have lost more than I gained from it. The job I have now I got on my own knowledge and accord. No schooling has made me a better printer.

Granted, maybe I never would have gotten the DEQ gig if I did not have that degree (granted I found out about it through school.) Maybe I would have something better. Maybe something worse.

Would I even be anywhere near where I am today?

Would I still be living in Berryville?

Would I be working two jobs now?

Would I be trying to keep myself sane?

Would I be sitting here and wondering about my life in the first place?

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