Slowly Killing Myself Dreamed 4705 days ago | | 696 words

I am.
I am letting myself get more and more out of shape. Hell, I am fast approaching 400 pounds. I need to put a stop to this. I need to get my life together and start changing my diet and exercise more, or hell, at all!

I need to get off my ass and go out and do things. Take walks. hit the treadmill. Go to a park with a camera and just walk and shoot.

It’s so hard to make myself do these seemingly simple things. I am not trying to change the world or drop 100 pounds in 30 days. Just trying to be healthier and by proxy, happier.

I am not happy. I can see my body breaking down. I’ve already had back surgery to repair the lower vertebrae of my back and I know my soccer-injured ankles and knees are not right. And being this large will do them no favors as I get older and fatter.

My biggest obstacle to this point has been my insomnia and constant exhaustion. I am just so tired when I get home in the evenings all I want to do is pass out and sleep forever. Which never happens. I always end up engrossed in some project or other. Whether it be building my home server, trying to get a little coding in one of the 5 sites I’m designing/redesigning right now.

Or maybe there’s a movie calling my name that my eyeballs stare at.

Whatever the reason, I don’t get to sleep early, even when I do shut the lights and glowing screens off and just lay in bed, trying to think calm thoughts, or even better, no thoughts at all I still wake.

That’s when my brain brings to light all the things bothering me.

My brain is my biggest nocturnal foe as I can’t turn it off. No matter what I do, it’s still there. Grinding ever forward with a million unfinished projects and thoughts. A million reasons I should not be sleeping right now.

I am also becoming more and more of a hermit because I just lack the energy to go out and see people. To call them up and go do something. I just want to rest my weary body.

It’s a vicious cycle that I perpetuate with my consumption of caffeine, sugar and microwavable meals.

You are what you eat and I am a fat man. I keep trying to change. It’s been 60 days since I made the last attempt (as my personal, private journal tells me). 60 days since I tried to get an exercise plan going. I made it two days. One run on the treadmill and one walk across the bridge over the river where I live.

That’s all it lasted, then it died. And here I am, back at where I started. Here I am going through pants every few months because so few pairs fit me well enough to work in and those wear out quickly because I wear them so much.

Shirts are not nearly as much a problems, as my torso is not as outlandishly huge as my legs and thighs. The tree trunks which support me as they always have.

I have huge legs. Partially they are muscular from the 10 or so years of soccer I played when I was younger, but some of that is fat too. And that leads to trouble finding pants that both fit over my thighs and waist. Usually if they fit around my thighs they’ll not reach high enough to my waist because there is so much thigh there.

I have not a small guy, as my 6’5” figure will attest to and have never been of slight build. Even when I was playing basketball 6 days a week for the high school team I was down to 230. And I felt pretty good then. I was still “overweight” according to doctors, but I felt good and I fit my frame and clothes much better.

I am not trying to work miracles. I just want to be healthier and happier. I just need to figure out how to stick with it. It’s so, so hard…

Any suggestions would be most appreciated. Please?

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