Strange Duck Dreamed 4476 days ago | | 724 words

I am a strange duck. I think nothing of driving a half hour in the middle of the night to see someone for a few hours. I think nothing of staying up until all hours of the day and night because I think I am needed.

I have no problem listening. I love to listen and am a total sucker for a good conversation. A really thorough and deep conversation about more than the weather and how school/work is going.

There aren’t many of those anymore. That’s one thing I miss about college is just sitting around and pontificating on whatever topic floats into our heads.

And with 4 strongminded geeks under one roof, the discussion was always lively.

I’ve always walked to the beat of my own drum. And with a drummer on some sort of hallucinogenic substance.

I’ve never really gone with things just because. Maybe on the surface, but not underneath.

I don’t drink.
I don’t smoke.
I don’t do drugs.
Never have never will.

I don’t see any appeal to alcohol or nicotine. Maybe it was having a stepfather who drank and smoked himself to death. Maybe it’s because that’s what all the “cool” kids did back home and I purposely didn’t want any part of that scene. Maybe it’s because I’ve seen it hurt too many people that I care about…

I internalize a lot of crap. A lot that I’ve heard and seen over the years.

There’s a lot of pain there. Both in my life and in the lives of those I care for or have cared for most deeply.

I empathize very strongly with people. Almost to the point of feeling their pain. I don’t know whether it’s a gift or a curse. But it makes me want to make things better and want to help.

I think we’re all too wrapped up in ourselves nowadays. We’re all too focused on how things affect us. What they mean to us.

Take a step back and look at the larger picture. How does what you do affect those around you? I think that’s something that’s sorely missing in today’s world.

Maybe it’s time for me to move on. Maybe I’ve spent my time here and I need to move to not greener, but different pastures to graze. Maybe I’ve been jaded by seeing too many failed relationships and spent too many nights back home with tears in my eyes or one my shoulder.

I try to fix the world. But the world is broken. And I’m hurting.

I need to focus more on me. I need someone in my life to hold me when I need to curl up and disappear. Someone to nurture the long-dormant creative spark that bubbles beneath my exhausted surface.

I’d love a soulmate but at this point I’d settle for a lover.

Someone to tell my deepest secrets to. Someone to pour my heart and mind out to. To let me empty the bin inside my head that fills up with everything I think about during the long, lonely nights.

I don’t go to bars. I don’t drink. I don’t do the typical meeting people thing because that’s not the kind of person I’d like to find.

I am not a typical guy. Not even close. I’m far too caring and compassionate and don’t give a fuck about what people think I should act like. I’m not tough. I’m soft and cuddly.

I wear my heart on my sleeve and my thoughts on the tip of my tongue. Though will stop at almost nothing to keep the peace.

I hate conflict yet it bubbles inside my head constantly. Awash with all the thoughts and feeling I have about everything.

I don’t know why I’m writing this or what it means. I just know back home when things got stuck in my head that writing was always my release.

That’s where my moniker comes from, peroty. The letters of poetry rearranged.

I need to write more. I need to tap back into that part of myself.

I’ve changed a lot in these past 2 years since I left school, and I’m not sure it’s for the better. Sure I’m doing relatively well… I have a job, hell two jobs. Good friends and a roof over my head and balcony to rest my weary feet on.

On the outside, everything is good.
On the inside, I’m so shy and self-conscious and fearful.

On the inside I just want to disappear.

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