Dear Monster.com Resume Spammers Dreamed 4293 days ago | | 633 words
I am pleased to see you’d think I’d be a nice fit for your sales positions. I really do love selling to people. I love it even more to talk on the telephone, convincing people to buy stuff they don’t want.
Really, I am truly honored you would bestow such an honorable position upon me. I am overjoyed to see that I can make piles upon piles of cash money! Really, I’d love your great benefits and your fat pay checks.
I love that no experience is necessary and I can start my way to a fantabulous career in sales immediately! Where do I sign?!
It seems that people have simply stopped reading my resume and have started sending these blanket, soulless letters to anyone with a pulse and a monster.com resume listing.
Every week or so I get a chance to work as a Farmers Insurance and Financial Services Manager or Sales and Sales Management Positions with such great firms as http://novamarkets.net or http://www.farmersinsuranceagent.com.
In the instance of novamarkets, their Network Solutions parked domain really lured me in. I mean, as a web designer, nothing turns me onto a company faster than seeing a parked domain, telling me all about the great business services they offer! I can hardly resist exploring more of the site and applying… for Network Solutions hosting. Because that’s the only applying you’ll be doing there.
I went to visit the fine farmers at Farmers Insurance, and their site started to sing at me. It really brought me back to 1996 and MIDI background songs. They had real music as opposed to mechanical plinking, and I just had to find out more… other places to browse after instinctively hit the Big Red X atop my Firefox window when the serenade began.
These are just two examples of the fine job prospects that cross my E-desk every day. People who don’t even read your resume, or tech firms that send you job information for positions you clearly have zero experience in, because you know, Desktop Support guys can totally maintain and manage a bank of servers. Really, no problem.
Despite the absolute lack of Flash on my resume, or experience listed, I still get flash job offers. Is there a huge lack of flash designers in Richmond? Are they all hiding somewhere? Because I keep getting jobs that call for it. I’ve started applying for them, forwarding on the “updated resume” each message calls for. Perhaps they’re thinking that in the week it’s been since I last updated my resume I gained a couple years of flash experience.
Maybe I can time travel!
I think that’s something worth adding to the resume, time travel. See where that gets me. If I lack qualifications for a certain job, I can just travel back in time, gain the necessary experience and certifications, then return fully qualified to tackle all tasks.
In addition to time traveling, I’ll add mind reading. Then I will be able to determine what all my potential employers really want from me. Let’s try this out shall we?
- Representatives do not cold call – Here’s your list, now get calling!
- Customers waiting to Speak to you – and complain that you keep calling them.
- Territory is local – local, like Ecuador is local to Bosnia!
- Excellent ongoing training and team support – you’ll receive 2 weeks of training from outdated materials, none of it will apply to your current position and then we’ll yell at you when you screw up.
- Positive company culture that promotes success – as long as you’re a manager.
I hope this letter has been helpful for the next time you wish to send along some “really tremendous offers” my way.
Perhaps next time I’ll write about my experiences in retail and decipher some common misconceptions about working for places like Best Buy, Blockbuster, and Food Lion.
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— J. Bradford · Apr 27, 12:54 PM · #
— Josh · Apr 29, 02:11 AM · #