Play Dreamed 7403 days ago | | 308 words
I’ve got Coldplay running through my head.
I’ve been looking back.
Back through the archives at this site.
All the way back to 1999.
I saw something tonight.
I was in a grocery store.
And I saw her eyes.
Her face.
My first girlfriend.
Kris.
The one I dated for 8 months.
The one who left me.
Dumped me.
Cheated on me.
Made me feel like shit because of it.
Then moved away.
Cheated first (not that I knew it at the time), then dumped me, switched schools and moved away. All in the same week.
Now, that is a fucking fantastic week.
I’ve been thinking about my life, where I am now mentally.
I’m not who I used to be.
I’m more drained.
The fire is gone.
I’ve got a trillion ideas.
And nothing to show for them.
Or myself.
Nothing.
Nothing at all.
Except for empty dreams and memories.
Times I should have gone left
and I went right.
Times I should have pushed through until the end.
Stayed the course, then derailed.
Crashed in a blaze of fire.
Into the river.
The lake.
The ocean.
Letting the tidal currents wash me clean.
Move all the pain away from me.
To a better place.
Now here I sit.
Extinguished.
After four years of college I feel like I have lost more than I gained from it. The job I have now I got on my own knowledge and accord. No schooling has made me a better printer.
Granted, maybe I never would have gotten the DEQ gig if I did not have that degree (granted I found out about it through school.) Maybe I would have something better. Maybe something worse.
Would I even be anywhere near where I am today?
Would I still be living in Berryville?
Would I be working two jobs now?
Would I be trying to keep myself sane?
Would I be sitting here and wondering about my life in the first place?
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